The Modern Day Hobbit
by Lady of Lake - Town
Summary: The year is 2014 and skittish Bilbo Baggins lives in Texas. Yet his tranquil life does not remain after thirteen midgets with night vision and a creepy pedophile name Gandalf kidnaps him into an adventure. An adventure where he meets an obese Legolas, a whore named Tauriel, a tranny bargemen, a hippi ruler named Elrond and a sexy porn star who is also the master of a town...
1. Chapter 1

**Hello my reader!**

**So I'm going to alarm you, there's a lot of swearing, drinking, sex and other indecent things in this, I'm sorry I wanted to let loose for a little bit! And because my other Hobbit story did not get any attention, which by the way made me extremely depressed and cry hysterically and binge on manoyaies, I though maybe if I wrote a story where Legolas is fat and Gandalf is a pedophile than I'd actually get seen and feel a little better about myself! Jerks!**

**Lol, I'm kitten people…kind of.**

**So if swearing and stupidness is not your cup of tea, you have been warned!**

**Now if you could leave a review, that would be like the best! Or a follow or a favorite, that would be the bomb too :) Anyways, thanks for reading!**

Morning had arrived and for Bilbo, he lolled upon a tattered lawn chair gazing out from the porch of his two – story home. He retrieved another beer from the cooler that rested to his side and halted the lid up, before taking a sip. With his lips smuckering together he let the can down, crouching over the arm rest of the chair before shuddering after hearing a muffled sound crackling through his ears.

Scrambling to his feet Bilbo become alarmed by a crappy, noir colored min van that was coming to halt in front of his house. After it ceased, he was surprised to find a small child burst out from behind the doors, only wearing his tighty whites, dashing away, saying, "That man didn't have any candy!"

"What the fuck?" murmured Bilbo.

Trailing from behind, out came an elderly man with a staff and they quickly caught eyes.

With the old man approaching Bilbo, he rebounded back a step. "Mhmm, I like them young," said the old man with a chortle and begun to lick his lips.

"Get off my damn property, rapist!" Bilbo yelled.

"Ooh, I'm getting frisky here when you yell like that!"

After this old man met with Bilbo's middle finger, Bilbo begun to retreat back into his house, abandoning the old man on his yard. Before he was completely out of a view, the elderly man called on after him, reclaiming his attention. "Do you wanna go on an adventure with me?" questioned the elderly man.

"Is that paedophile code for something?" asked Bilbo, his brow beginning to scrunch.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Beg your pardon?"

For a prolonged moment a silence ran through the conversation, with the elderly man appearing like he was going to have a stroke….or was just thinking, I don't know. But he seemed lost in thought.

"What you having a stroke or something?" asked Bilbo, viewing from the porch.

"What!" the old man squealing, returning back to the present time.

"Dude, I think the Alhimizer's is catching up with you."

"Don't you know who I am?"

"The bringer of crows?

"No."

"The one who is older than dirt?"

"No."

"The one who witnessed the birth of civilization?"

"No!"

"The one who went up against Father Time only to have his ass furiously kicked?"

With a grim expression emerging across his aging face, the elderly man begun to stroll away. There was no use talking now.

"Oh…oh, wait your Gandalf the pedophile from the next street over!" exclaimed Bilbo.

"Yeah 'cause they got the kiddie pool, wet children in their swimsuits…" Gandalf moaned. "Oh yeah!"

"Huh, okay."

"And you see people rubbing sun lotion on 'em, mmhmmm, and then they come out of the pool dripping wet and their swim suits slide off."

"Yeah I got it!"

"Oh sorry, what I need from you Bilbo is to go on an adventure with these midgets."

A pause erupted into the conversation before Bilbo continued, merely intrigued by this whole 'adventure with midgets' thingy. He had read on Yahoo Answers, to make up for their abnormal height, midgets were blessed with night vision, though he could not reassure himself if it was truth or myth. "But where are we going?"

"They will tell you that," replied Gandalf and strolled back into his mini van, abandoning an addled Bilbo still gazing from his porch.

"What the hell," muttered the man while ambling into his home.

Day had reached it's mark, and now darkness settled itself on the outside.

For Bilbo, he isolated away himself within his beloved books, the Bible and the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. "Ah, that Jesus," he chimed and closed the book with a muffled thud. He aroused from his chair, stretching out his fatigued bones before trembling from the sudden sound of the door bell ringing.

He froze in wonder, considering he lived in bum fuck no where, so visitors for him was like virgins with STDs.

Staggering towards the cedar door, fully cautioned, Bilbo grasped onto the door handle. At a gradual pace, he opened it to reveal thirteen midgets huddling at his doorway.

His mouthed draped open by a mere inch, while his brow curved with astonishment. After rebounding by a step, Bilbo appeared to be on the verge of something, before one of the midgets hauled his way forth in front of the crowd. "People don't kill people, guns kill people, so that means toasters don't toast toast. Toast toast toast," he said.

"What the hell!" exclaimed one of the midgets, Fili or something was his name.

We'll just label him the blonde one.

"I thought it might be an icebreaker."

Bombur, the obese one of the group, came forward as he declared, "No you dumbass, candy is an icebreaker!"

"God, is it always about food with you!" bellowed Fili.

Emerging from heard, one of the more bold and foul midgets exposed their existence. He ignored his fellow companions and spoke only to Bilbo. "We are the seven –."

"Thirteen!" one of the midgets corrected.

"Shut the fuck up I'm the main midget in this story," yelled the main midget.

"That's true, like literally a few of you didn't even have lines," Bilbo added.

As the other midgets' heads hung low, the main midget continued on. "I am Thorin, Gandalf sent us because he said you could help us out or something with reclaiming our land from a fire – breathing chromestoru."

"I think you have bigger troubles than getting back your home if you trust a rapist," replied Bilbo.

And with that, Bilbo slammed the door and watch the view of the midgets wim away. He then went to go take a downy bubble bath, with the tender embrace of warm water and his yellow rubber duckie, letting the thought of midgets and adventure dash from his mind. Those midgets seemed really dirty anyways.

"Lets bash his door down!" cried on the midgets.

"No, no, no lets try to drive our big wheels through his house!" another one mentioned.

"Now, now you're all being irrational." Their heads shot towards Balin, the eldest of the group yet abnormally not the weakest link which was Kili. "We should burn his house down, than he'll run out, one of us will hide behind that tumbleweed over there and jump out when he comes and chloroform him. Then when he is out, we shall hogtie him and mount him onto our big wheel."

Skimming around the circle of midgets, each one was commending and agreeing with the choice with their heads bobbing up and down.

Bilbo cowered in his bath water, along with jamming to Phil Colins and refreshing his quench with a glass of wine. It was so enlightening to not have to fret about those midgets, they surely must have waltz off and someplace else. It's not like they were outside now gathering gasoline, matches and lighters, no they probably had wonder to a new location where they could do whatever it was they do.

Though a pit of doubt lingered into Bilbo as the aroma of smoke danced into his nostril and the feel of warmth increased. "Hmm, I think my house maybe on fire but I cannot be certain," he said to himself, pattering his finger against his lip. "I don't feel like checking though."

After a timid moment, catching heed of the smoke creeping from the crack of the door, Bilbo pounced onto his feet. "Ah shit!" he squealed while sprinting towards the door, gripping onto the handle within seconds and heaving it open where he was met with a cloud of smoke.

Sparing a diminutive amount of time, Bilbo flew down the staircase and exploded through the front door. Once fully outside, he shifted back towards his house to view it being consumed by flames and gray shadows of toxic air. The pallid color of it now was fading to the red color of flares and ashes were swimming with the night air.

"No!" screamed Bilbo to the sully sky, before colliding with a heavy object and a deformed scent. The last thing he saw before descending into black was that overweight midget, Bombur on top of him, thrusting a rag wet with chloroform into his face.

As Bilbo's eyes closed, Bombur rebounded off of him with a shriek. "He's naked!"

"Haha, you were on a naked man!" chuckled Kili while aiming a finger towards him.

Thorin approached Kili and collide his fuming palm with the other midget's cheek in a hard slap. "Damn it, where's Gandalf when you need him!"

***Self – slap* I know that didn't go well, would you believe me if I told you it gets better? No…yeah, should have expected that! Sorry I suck, though I did mention this is really stupid…and really immature too, if you didn't get that! Anyways, follow it, give it a shot…please. No! Ugh! :(**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! I'm back…with chapter two for all of those who endured the first part, when I saw you guys following and favoriting I was like holy shit, either I don't suck that much or people just come on fan fiction wasted now a days! Either or it works out :) So review! Or do whatever, doesn't matter to me, lol =)**

"Good God, my fucken head," groaned Bilbo as he brought his back off of the ground. Massaging his templates at a tranquilly pace, his eyes scanned around his newest surroundings only to find himself in a barren field of dirt. "What the hell!"

His heed begun to wander off before a pounding sound ran through his ears. Swiftly, his head shifted towards the side where an astonishing scene was occurring.

A Hostess truck had been flipped over to its side and herding around it, like they were zombies, was the thirteen midgets he had encountered last night. Now each one appeared to be in raging fumes, with their fists in clenches. All thirteen of them were punching the truck, while also giving it a vigorous kick.

For Bombur, he had found a way to climb on top of the truck's fallen side and was bouncing on it, shrieking, "I want a fucken Twinkie!"

"Oh shit," Bilbo muttered.

Thorin heard his words, then quickly shifted himself towards Bilbo. "Oh you're finally awake, at first we assumed you were dead which wouldn't have been bad either!" he exclaimed.

"How the hell did I get here? And where the hell is my fucken house?" Bilbo asked.

"Funny story on how we got here, so we were driving our big wheels on the highway and Orin kept going 'vooom' like he was driving a motorcycle and I told him to stop being a fucken idiot."

"Meaningless details, okay, continue."

"So then we notice that in front of us in a Hostess Twinkie truck, so we thought we should try hijacking it….'cause…I don't know, but anyways we kept slamming are big wheels against it and finally we drove it off the road."

"I'm not going to say anything about that."

"Yeah, so the driver was being a total asshole and wouldn't give us a fucken twinkie…so we got really pissed and flipped the truck over…which was later found out wasn't the best idea."

"Who would have guessed?" Then with a heavy thrust, Bilbo tossed Thorin out of his ways and approached the other midgets. "Okay, now I know the pedophile Gandalf had told you all that I was going to aid you on reclaiming your homeland back…but there seems to have been a mistake. I am not…so someone please give me a ride back home and I will not call the police."

Thorin, who was trailing close behind, said, "Uh, we can't. Thing is, when we were driving the truck off of the road, our big wheels crashed."

"What the fuck!"

"I know! You thought they would be more durable!"

Giving himself a face – palm, Bilbo felt aggravation and fury emerging within himself. Damn these midgets. "Okay, well maybe I'll just walk home. So where are we now?"

Pushing pass his midget companions, Balwin appeared and entered into the conversation. "Wisconsin."

Bilbo's mouth draped open by an inch, while his brow roused up. "I'm from Texas!" he screeched like something that screeches.

"Well see, you get to experience new cultures! Like they have an ocean over here," chimed Thorin.

Each midget shot a glare toward their leader, with their faces scrunching. "Wisconsin is not by a fucken ocean you dumbass! Their most renown visiting spot in the fucken Mcdonalds!" Kili declared.

"Also the largest building they have!" Fili announced.

Bilbo was on the verge off speaking, before Thorin came up from behind him and wrapped his arm around Bilbo's back. "Yeah and just like back in Texas, here in Wisconsin they also have lots of guns and hillbillies. You're always going to see tumbleweeds, pick up trucks with coops in the back and towns with only a population of forty people, fifteen of them being incest," explained the lead midget, with a grin.

Within a second, Bilbo shifted his head to pore at Thorin. "I said I'm from Texas, not Alabama!" He rebounded back, fumes growing inside of him. "So now how am I suppose to get back home, hmm? I had a sweater I was planning on finishing knitting, but apparently now I'm fucken screwed."

Bombur, who was still standing on the Hostess truck, raised his hand and asked, "Why would you need a sweater if you live in Texas? And also, on a more important note, do you guys also still have fried butter on a stick down there?"

"Of course you would eat that, you fucken lard" snarked Kili from below.

"Because when I knit I can subscribe to Knit Wit,a magazine about knitting humour," Bilbo responded. He then glared towards each midget, and finally to Thorin, while his left brow roused. "Now, how am I suppose to get back home?"

"I hear hitch hiking is popular, just try not to enter the van of anyone rapy appearing," said Balwin. "Though truckers might pick you up."

"And truckers make good lovers," another midget chimed.

With his head shaking at a rapid pace, Bilbo begun to scamper away from the midgets and muttered, "Never mind, I'll just go catch a bus. Goodbye to you all!" He was a far distance from them after a prolonged moment, before he came to an alarmed halt after hearing a yell coming from the direction of the midgets. His head shot over his shoulder, before turning around and begun to dash towards the midgets, in wonder.

"Oh God…why!" Was the first words Bilbo heard as he approached the midgets, to find Bombur kneeled down next to the truck, that they had now opened. He raised his arms up to the skies, tears streaming from within his eyes, while he screamed out, "No!"

"What's with him?" Bilbo asked.

"It turns out…there was…there was…" Balwin begun to choke, "no…no twinkies in the truck."

"Oh," replied the man.

"Oh?" Bombfur mimicked, holding back his tears as he came upon his feet. He then came face to face with Bilbo. "Is that all you have to say? Just 'oh'."

"Uh…I'm sorry?"

"I hate you!"

"What?"

Thorin, who had been viewing from a distance, came closer to the two. "It's alright, I kept a spare Twinkie in my pocket, I knew something like this was to erupt." He then crept his hand into his coat's pocket and as his fingers came into searching mood, a baffled expression emerged across his face. "What the hell?"

"It's gone!" cried Bombur. "I saw in your pocket and when you weren't looking I took it. And now it's gone and I hate everything!"

As the midget gradually sprinted away, disappoint seemed to rest its hand on Kili. He looked at the barren truck, only silver steel walls were to be found. "And to believe we killed the driver for this," he muttered.

Bilbo shot his head towards him. "You fucken did what?"

"Where did you think your clothes came from?" Fili questioned, making the man glare down towards his new apparel.

Before Bilbo could even say another word, all thirteen midgets trembled a little as the sound of an impaired engine grew close. Each one peered to their sides, where they caught the sight of a crappy mini van driving at the rate of 15 miles per hour, whipping up dirt and rocks from the field.

When it came in front of them, there was an immediate stop and the driver's dark window rolled down, revealing Gandalf. "Get in!" he shouted. "Hurry now, I was at the park and almost had a little kid in my van before I noticed a cop was behind me!"

And although Bilbo tried to vilely fight his free, he soon found himself in the crappy mini van, on the way to who fucken knows where.

**Ugh…I hate living in Wisconsin….**


	3. Chapter 3

Reclining back upon the leather covered seat of the crappy van, Bilbo's fingers encountered a downy feel against them, wedged between the seat. As he slithered the fabric out, he was not shocked to find a pair of children's underwear. "Okay we're just going to ignore that," he said and returned them to their place. "So how long will it take us to get to your one homeland?"

"If he continues to drive at a rate of sixty – five miles per hour and never get stuck in traffic," Thorin begun, "it shall take six months."

"What!" squealed Bilbo.

"Well lets just thank God no one made a movie just based upon us driving and didn't put in any action and great characters until the second part," chimed Bomfur.

"But in the second part we're just not going to give it an end and everyone in the theater is going to throw their slushies at the screen and say what the fuck!" mentioned Thorin. "And then you have to wait until December for the third part."

All of them sensed their heads descend down, hanging low like their spirits, as they said in unison, "Damn it!"

Conversation siezed after that and the journey, in Gandalf's crappy van, continued. They drove through ghetto areas, urban areas, a place, a forest, then Gandalf remember they were traveling down the wrong road, so he did an illegal U – turn on the highway to get back in place. Then they drove some more.

And they drove.

And they drove.

And they drove.

And to make things more interesting they continued to drive, until Oin declared he had to take a piss and Bombur ranted that he was hungry. So to get them to shut up Gandalf pulled into a gas station.

"I want candy," Bombur said.

"Oh what else is fucken new!" Bilbo hissed, aggravated by this prolonged drive.

"I want candy," the engorged midget repeated.

Releasing a dense sigh, Bilbo looked back at him. "I'm not getting you fucken candy!"

"I want candy."

"Have Groin get it for you." Bilbo gave a hasty gesture with his shoulder in Gloin's direction.

"That's Gloin you ass!" corrected the fuming midget.

"I want candy," for the third time Bombur stated.

Though still on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Bilbo shot a swift pore to the other midgets and through a breath said, 'Alright.' He slithered out of the van, taking heed upon Gandalf's disappearance. But for the current moment, his care was little and he sauntered into the gas station to the candy isle. He retreieved the candy, paid for it and than returned it to the obese midget, who was abnormally placed on the outskirts of the store. "Here," Bilbo mumbled and heaved the bag of candy to him.

Bombur's eyes beamed with delight, then he dug through the plastic bag. "Did you get me a burger?" he questioned, gazing at Bilbo.

"You spefically said you wanted candy," reminded Bilbo.

"No, when you left the van I said I also wanted a cheeseburger without cheese on it!"

"That doesn't make sense!" But with the word 'van' pondering his mind, Bilbo begun to observe the parking lot to find the midgets scattered around the area, yet spared of the prescense of Gandalf or the crappy min van. "Wait, where is the van?"

"Oh yeah about that," Bombur begun….

After Bilbo's leave, the midgets had entered into a debate about who was sexier, Ellen Degentials(a name the midgets had given her) or George Clooney.

Balin declared that he would rip Clooney's clothes off if he had a chance, but Fili chimed that he smacked his monkey well watching the t.v. talk show, 'Ellen'.

"Gentlemen please, this debate is getting us no where," Kili interrupted. "We all know I'm the sexiest."

"Oh God," the midgets said in unison, with each one exchanging an eye roll.

Being spiraled around with their rants, Thorin could hear a faint sound of more yelling and with it he hushed his midget companions. "Shhh, did you hear that?" he inquired.

The once faint sound of demands and screams were now growing large and close, as each midget were posistioned still. "What was that?" one of the midget's asked.

"Something horrible…." Balin whispered as he looked out the window.

"What?" questioned Thorin.

"Femenist."

"Oh God!" wailed a midget.

"No!" another bellowed to the sky.

But for the youngest midget, Kili, he did not want to linger with rants and cries, so he aroused from his seat. "Yes, they are horrible, but fear not," he announced, whipping his curls around, "they will be jumping all over me in a sexual manner once I step out of this van."

"Can't we just tear gas them instead?" Fili questioned.

"Do you got any?" quearied Thorin as his glanced was turned to the blonde midget.

Though he was on the verge of answering, Kili gave him no time and was already rustling his way out from the van. Once his feet met with the gravel he strolled towards the femenist who were chanting something about power or rights or whatever it is they want to accomplish and waving protest signs in the air.

"No need to scream any more ladies, I'm here," he assured them, making their heed turn to him. "Yes femenist gather around me, gather around."

"Wait!" a person shouted out from the crowd, this being a tall, slender, youthful male with the most appealing looks. With his cry, him, the femenist and Kili gazed to the sign in his hands, that read: _Bama iz trying to take our gunz away_. "Aw damnit!" cursed the man. "I'm at the wrong protest again!"

And with that he saunted over to his El Cameno, hauled the sign in and drove away.

A femenist than emerged from the crowd, fuming with anger towards the midget, with her fist lolling to her side. "We will not be your sex slave!" she ranted.

"Yeah!" agreed another.

With that the riot of several women advanced closer to him, as they released cries of battle and strength while tackling Kili to the ground. "Yes orgy!" he screeched, before a sharp rap of pain occurred and he took notice that the femenist were punching him from every angle. "All right ladies, I also like it rough but…" His words trailed off after another enraged fist collided against him arm.

Viewing as his brother was tormented by those damn femenist, Fili rebounded back from the window and produced a switchblade in his hand. Taking eye, Balin had found a knife in his grasp. Thorin heaved out a double – barrel shot gun. Oin took out a lighter. Gloin found a chainsaw. And Bombur retrieved a king size Butterfingers.

"Lets bust those femenist!" Thorin cheered, as his midget companions aroused to their feet and join him in applaud.

"Then what happened?" Bilbo inquired and Bombur retreated from thought.

"The femenist kicked our ass," he whimpered.

"What!"

"Well in our defence they were all PMSing."

"And they took the van with them?"

"Of course, they were like trolls."

Stumbling back onto the feet, in full raging fumes, Bilbo restrained himself from gazing to the sky and screaming. His loath for the midgets were altering into flames. And it never ceased even when they saw Gandalf approaching them.

Panting and out of breath he was, but still was able to say, "I was at the elementry school…"

"What else is fucken new!" hissed Bilbo.

"They have a set of big wheels on the front parking lot!" yelled the phedophile.

The ears of the midgets perked up, while swarmed around Gandalf with pleasing grins lingering on their faces. To retrieve the power of riding a big wheel made each shudder with excitement. Even a mere happiness was settling in Bilbo to know that he would no longer have to be in the van that smelled of candy, little children and urine.

"Well now lets go mount those big wheels," Thorin said.

"Woo, gunz a blazin'," shouted Dalwin.

**Did you guys miss me? Because I have not updated in very long! Yeah, you guys all missed me…No? Damn it! But anyways, so you probably noticed how when talking about femenist I was making a reference to the trolls in the story! I hope I didn't offend anyone, it was just a joke :) I don't feel that way about femenist! Anywho, leave a review! Or follow…or favorite? 3 Am I the only one who thinks of a butt instead of a heart when seeing this?**

**~ Lady of Lake Town ~**


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